General 1 — Spiritworks

NEW BOOK

When Death Comes: How to Plan an End-of-Life Funeral Service, Memorial, Remembrance or Burial Ceremony

Patricia D. Brown, M.Div. Ph.D.

When Death Comes

How to Plan an End-of-Life

Funeral Service, Memorial, Remembrance or Burial Ceremony

Patricia D. Brown, M.Div. Ph.D.

PART 1 Chapter 1. When Death Comes

Chapter 2. Basics to Consider

Chapter 3. Music for Gathering

Chapter 4. Welcome, Share Information and Announcements

Chapter 5. Opening Ritual and Actions

Chapter 6. Reflections on the Occasion and Time of Tribute

What to say for a difficult death due to addiction

Chapter 7. Autobiography, Eulogies and Life Story

Chapter 8. Poems

Chapter 9. Prayers and Intentions

Chapter 10. Readings

Chapter 11. Interactive Engagements

Chapter 12. Services For and With Children

Chapter 13. Jewish Faith Rituals and Traditions

Chapter 14. Closing Words, Blessings and Benedictions

Chapter 15. Simple Endings at the Burial Site

Chapter 16. Music

Chapter 17. End-Of-Life Rituals: At the Time of Death

Chapter 18. Community-Wide Services of Grief and Healing

PART 2

Sample Services

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PART 1 Chapter 1. When Death Comes

When death comes, we feel like lost children. In these moments when the unthinkable happens and life screeches to a halt, we long to feel joined to something greater beyond our own limited immediate spectrum. In these times we seek solace in words, actions, services and ceremonies that help us to grieve our loss, honor our loved one, and feel held by something greater than ourselves.

In my work as a bereavement counselor, I meet people who are searching for answers that brings sense to the senselessness that life often hands them. Especially during times of death and loss, people find themselves searching for a deeper understanding. They question what is truly important in life; examining what gives their life meaning.

Funerals, memorial, remembrance and burial graveside services as well as “celebrations of life” are ways family and friends choose to gather together to remember the person who died. When done well, these moments can be a sacred, memorable and meaningful chance to mourn while offering and receiving comfort and support from others. Many services and ceremonies provoke as much laughter as tears. Yet, even under the best circumstances, arranging a service can be an emotional, and sometimes exhausting, process. This is why I offer a resource to help guide you through hard times and navigate difficult decisions.

Obviously, the amount of time you have to plan and arrange a funeral or memorial service depends on when you are doing it. Is it in advance of death -- perhaps for yourself or with someone with a life-limiting illness -- or immediately after a death? Of course, the best scenario is when the person for whom the service is planned had the opportunity to write the funeral or memorial service in advance and had a frank talk of their wishes with a close family member or friend. Quite often, this is not the case. Instead, these decisions are handed on to the remaining family.

If you are thinking about planning a service for yourself, or you find yourself in the situation where the person has died and you are to make decisions, there are some considerations to keep in mind. To assist, this book offers steps you might find helpful to plan a service for a loved one, or perhaps, even yourself.

While the need to mourn has not changed, the ceremonies we use to help us through the process have. For example, with cremation becoming more the norm, families are choosing to hold a memorial service rather than a traditional funeral. Holding the service not immediately upon the death allows more flexibility. With relatives living long distances this allows family members not to be tied to a specific time or place. Another advantage is that it gives grieving family and friends the chance to recover from the death, fulfill work obligations, make travel plans and care for any legal duties. Whatever type of event you decide upon is a matter of family discretion and personal choice. And, for many, traditional funerals seem too impersonal.

Within these pages I have laid out a ceremony template to help you envision what might be possible. Next, I have pulled together some of my favorite readings, many that I have used in funeral and burial services. There are poems, passages, and prayers you might wish to use. The final chapter offers a dozen ready-to-use services and ceremonies that I have facilitated myself. You may find pieces within these that you will want to pull for your own service.

Whether a funeral or memorial is organized according to the religious orientation of the family, or created to express sanctified or unique expression, there are ideas here to consider for different kinds of end-of-life ceremonies. My motto is to get the family involved in the moment. It is to impress upon them that this is it. This is now. No moment will ever be quite the same again.

All this is so that you can imagine and create what fits the person you are remembering and honoring— a loved one, or even yourself. Moreover, while it may seem like it’s a lot to think about, once you get started you’ll be certain to create an event that is the perfect final sendoff to celebrate a unique life.

Chapter 2 Basics to Consider

Over the past five years as a hospice chaplain and bereavement manager, I have had the privilege of meeting with many families to help them create remembrance, memorial, funeral and burial services. Since working with families, I now have the conviction that difficult experiences can become the most meaningful ones. The understanding that we work collaboratively is what counts.

The services and celebrations in Part 2 of this book represent a wide variety of cultures and traditions. I have collected them over the years and now offer them here as examples in the hopes of helping as you create a befitting service for a loved one or yourself. I believe each service, in its own way, honors the person for whom it was written and holds integrity for who they were and the values they held.

To give you some direction let me begin by sharing what I believe the service can be. Think of these ten points as a primer to honor your loved one with reverence, light-heartedness and grace.

#1 Find a Facilitator

For many people, the idea of planning an event, large or small, can be overwhelming. In these cases, a facilitator, officiant or celebrant can help take the pressure off by helping you work through the details. I am often invited to be the officiant because, even after deep sharing by the family in such an intimate and personal time, I am a bit removed. I am able to step back and view the bigger picture.

If you want to be very hands-off, that is also okay. Alternatively, if you would like to handle just a certain segment of the planning, your officiant can work with you in that particular area and handle the rest.

There are professional officiants who can facilitate the service for a fee, honorarium or donation. My personal practice is to not accept remuneration for services. Instead, I invite them to make a donation in the name of their loved one to a charity close to my heart. On the other hand, perhaps you know a respected teacher, leader, or clergy person who will do this for you. Whomever you choose to facilitate your service, look for someone who has the special ability to do such work. Their skillset should include the ability to hold the sense of the room, keep everyone on track, keep the service moving, look for the comfort of others, and someone with a public speaker’s ability.

#2 Date, Time and Budget

Once you have the principle players and have made initial contact with those who must be present, you can pin down a date and time. Will it be a soon-after-death funeral or a sometime-later memorial service or celebration of life? Your officiant can help you decide.

Your budget may be a concern. How much you can reasonably afford or want to spend? Doing so will help you narrow down your choices for the details of the celebration such as the type of venue. Don’t let your emotions carry you to debt you’ll regret later.

#3 Make it Personal

I believe the funeral or burial service can be highly personal. Your desirers, your relationship to the deceased, and what the deceased wanted or might have wanted will shape the decisions you make. You will want the service to reflect the unique life and personality of the person as well as their values. Therefore, you should imagine and plan the service that you or the person who died would consider the most meaningful way to say "goodbye" -- something that captures the unique qualities of the deceased; reflects their and your own personal, religious or spiritual beliefs and life values.

Decide on how you will personalize the event. There are an unlimited number of choices. You might create a tribute movie or slide show or display personal photos. If the person you are remembering was a collector, display some of their items on a table. A common way to honour the living is to specify charities and organizations to make a donation in memory of the deceased. Friends and relatives who might never consider donating to a certain charity will often honour such requests

Remember, it is okay to have fun and gaiety as well as somber serious parts within the service. You do not want to make the person you are remembering a perfect saint now that they are dead. Neither do you need to bring up all their shortcomings and deficits. Allow their humanness to shine through in whatever you say and do. When all is said and done, hopefully you will have produced a beautiful piece that expresses who you and they truly are.

#4 Choose the Venue

When selecting a location to hold the service it is helpful to estimate how many people might attend. A head count is important for selecting the right sized and type of venue. Keep in mind who is coming. Not all friends and family may be able to participate in some locations, due to physical limitations, especially the elderly or very young.

You are not limited in your choice of venue. Think outside the box. Maybe you are thinking of a ceremony at a location other than a church or funeral home. You can certainly use a funeral home but you can also choose to have your event at your home. In the times of our forbearers, having a funeral in the home, or at the graveside, was common. One of my earliest remembrances is as a four-year-old playing in my grandmother’s living room where my grandfather was laid out in his best clothes for an old fashion “viewing” before his burial in the church cemetery. It has only been since the later twentieth century that the funeral home has taken over the role previously done by the family. There is no reason not to hold a home funeral, and there are morticians who will assist you.

Do not forget to consider unconventional locations as well. For example, if the deceased was a film lover you might consider renting a theater. A local park, a ball field or another location that held meaning for the person you are honoring are all possibilities.

#5 Creating Sacred Space

Wherever you choose, be it a sanctuary, fire hall, field, crematorium or gravesite, you can create what I refer to as “sacred space.” Your aim is to create an atmosphere and space so that those attending will connect into a coherent gathering. Seek a space where there can exist a spaciousness; where individuals can sit side-by-side in their expressions of grief.

Nursing home community rooms, church and synagogue social rooms, hotel ballrooms, and conference rooms that may at first appear sterile can all be configured to provide space where family and friends can express the spiritual part of themselves. With a simple rearranging of seating, selection of restful warm lighting and helpful props, you can create a physical space where they can glimpse and experience a sacred moment. Consider the use of flowers and lighting. All this can come together to facilitate those attending to move past the pain and shock to find comfort and peace. Your preparations say to those who come that “something holy is happening here”. With a well-prepared physical space you can plan a unique, memorable tribute to your loved one.

I like what Peg Streep has to say about the importance of creating sacred space. Streep found North Americans to be unusual in their separation of the sacred from everyday life. She states that people are looking for a vision of life that is not chopped into a million pieces. They are trying, she says, to break down the distinction between their spiritual selves and their mundane selves. [FN] A funeral is a moment when this can happen.

My preference is to have the decreased present in some physical form. This might be the body or cremains or, when those are not available, a photo or portrait. Whatever you choose place the remembrance in the front or center of the room so mourners have a mutual place to focus their grief. One informal home funeral where I served as an officiant used their coffee table as an altar and placed upon it the cremains along with a photo, some colorful fall leaves and river rocks representative of their mother’s love of nature.

More and more people are turning to destination settings for a memorial. Many beautiful facilities such as gardens and greenhouses, museums, clubhouses, parks, aquariums, and wineries, offer private event rentals that are perfectly suitable for a remembrance of life. When my father of 89 years died the family decided to hold the service at the local fire hall. In his younger days Dad was a volunteer firefighter. Therefore, the location was fitting. Whatever space you choose, let it be representative of the moment. Your own backyard, a garden or an elaborate cathedral can all become a space for reflection that holds meaning and importance.

A table of memories in an accessible location within the space is a wonderful way to personalize the space. Invite those who are coming to bring a variety of items. Photographs, hobbies, pictures of pets, awards from work, sports or community service, favorite books and sayings, artistic creations of your loved one, recipes, and sports jerseys all say, “This is who they are”.

#6 Write it Down

My preference is to have a written program and give it to people as they arrive. This allows the grieving to scan the service and prepare themselves for what’s coming. No surprises. I have found that this helps them feel more at ease and part of the observance.

I usually print the service on a single heavy stock 9 X12 sheet of paper, front and back. This makes the printed document easy to handle. It does not fly away if outdoors, and remains noiseless. Employ the largest print type possible for easy reading.

Not all that is said and done needs to be printed on the program, especially if it does not all fit. However, you will want the major movements of the service noted, and any music played or performed, and perhaps a poem or prayer that attendees can take away with them for reflection after the service. It is a nice keepsake for the guest to take home.

#7 Be Mindful of the Many Traditions

Yes, you want the service to reflect the now deceased or yourself, but you will also want to make sure the family and friends who gather feel comfortable in the setting and find comfort within the ceremony. It can be a roller-coaster ride to help all who attend to feel included and not excluded.

Most families who come seeking my counsel want a service that will minister to a variety of family members representing different cultural and religious beliefs and traditions. One of the very first families I worked with included a brother from the Jewish tradition, a sister who professed Christianity and a second sister who shared she was “spiritual but not religious”.

Within the give and take of our time together we were able to find common ground. Each sibling was able to be open to hear the other’s needs and concerns. In the end, they crafted a service that reflected each of their traditions as well as honored their loved one. The brother and sisters felt heard and, in the end, left our preparations comforted and at peace with the ceremony they had designed.

#8 Watch Your Time

You will want to watch the time; the length of the service. I usually keep it to a half hour and no longer than forty-five minutes. Any longer can feel like an eternity and be hard for grieving friends and family to navigate.

This is when an officiant who is not a member of the family or a close friend comes in handy. They have a way of steering individuals who become long-winded to keep what they have to share or say within the designated time limit. Moreover, if necessary, the officiant can cut the person off. Whereas, if you as a family member does so, you may have to put up with hurt feelings later.

#9 Decide on Rituals and Symbolic Actions

I always encourage families to include community based or personal rituals in the service. They weave the past, present and future into life’s ongoing story. Symbolic actions help us face and mark the shock, triumphs and mysteries of everyday life by giving us tangible memories that we can hold onto. Rituals can be composed of symbols, words and gestures that give expression to what is beyond understanding or explanation. They can help us look at life, and in this case death, in new ways, and make sense of it in the process. Our physical symbolic expressions, symbols, and movements within the service, as well as our words, are important

An easily familiar ritual is the lighting of candles. This can signify that the service is beginning. Some may identify the lighting as an indication that they have entered a sacred space and time. Light multiple candles, each representative of an ancestor, or a credo such as “Faith, Hope, Love”. You can customize your candle lighting for your own purposes. You’ll find examples in Part 2.

How did your loved one prefer to spend their time? A sky lantern or butterfly release, a group motorcycle or bicycle ride, a canned food drive to give to the homeless shelter, or a group walk are all examples of activities reflective of a life. The important thing is that the activity is an appropriate tribute to your loved one.

In the end, all this being said, ritual or activity need not always represent something. Sometimes the reality works the other way. The meaning develops out of the doing. Our outward actions often reflect our inward state. This means you can allow each attendee to interpret the movements, actions and rituals in their own way. Ceremony and ritual speak when words fail and create tremendous impact.

#10 Encourage Participation

I’ve stated this earlier, but let me say it again. Encourage participation. I’ve found that it is more important to engage families in the moment instead of fearing their reactions and trying to shield them from the reality of the death.

In planning, invite friends and family to sing a song, give a reading or personal anecdote. This is the time when someone may have written a story about their loved one’s life. On the other hand, you may want to go around and invite the telling and sharing of short memories. If specific individuals ask to share their thoughts offer them some guidance on the type of story they might contribute.

We all recall times when something unplanned or unforeseen happened during a wedding or funeral service. A baby cries, the flowers get knocked over, a major player arrives late or someone faints. Ignoring the unplanned event or situation — the elephant in the room — never works. Instead, the experienced officiant may comment on the baby crying, saying that it reminds us that even as we weep quietly perhaps the child is expressing our inner turmoil. When the uncle takes ill and the ambulance is called, pause the service and suggest the remainder of the party take a time of quiet prayer on her behalf. Once a young woman singing a solo of Amazing Grace, broke down in tears, whereas I stepped over, placed my arm around her and picked up the song. Others joined in. It truly became a moment of grace.

Typical Components of the Service

There are a number of components that typically make up a funeral service, memorial, remembrance, ash-scattering ceremony or celebration of life. The parts tend to go in this order, but need not do so. Each ceremony is unique. I’ve placed here a template to get you started. Look them over, then turn to the following chapters for examples of each part.

Music for Gathering

Welcome, Share Information and Announcements

Opening Rituals and Actions

Reflections on the Occasion and Time of Tribute

Autobiography and Life Story

Remembrances from Family and Friends

Poems, Prayers, and Readings

Closing Words, Blessing, Benediction

Music for Departure

Chapter 3 Music for Gathering

There are no rules for choosing funeral music. Do you want to play soulful tunes that stirs the heart or a favored rock band that communicates, “this is not the normal fare”? You might consider using a playlist of favorite songs of the deceased. Still, some people choose hymns. With careful selection you can design the perfect soundtrack for your remembrance. To help the service flow you may wish the first song to express sadness and loss, the second selection to be more uplifting and hopeful, and a closing inspirational song that helps the guests depart. One, two or three musical selections –it’s all correct.

Background music as people arrive helps set the mood for the service to come. I prefer to play soft background instrumental music or have your musician perform quieter pieces to encourage conversation. This track can range from the orchestrated works of Beethoven, Mozart, and Tchaikovsky, and Chopin to more recent musician such as of Enya or the popular music of Chant.

Selecting a particular piece of music to begin the service is one way you can help everyone settle into a quieter moment of preparation.

Here are words that you might want to use as you introduce a musical selection at the beginning of the service:

“Before we begin I invite you to listen to [song title] sung of course by [artist]. This was a particular favorite of [Name] and I suspect she/he shared the sentiments expressed in the lyrics.”

“We are going to begin by listening to [title and artist]. This was a particular favorite of [Name] and they choose it especially for this occasion.”

“As we planned today we decided that [title and artist] would be the perfect tribute as we begin this time of remembrance for [Name].”

“As we begin, hear the poem [‘Title’] by [Poet].”

If I should die before the rest of you,
Break not a flower, nor inscribe a stone,
Nor, when I’m gone, speak in a Sunday voice,
But be the usual selves that I have known,
Weep if you must:
Parting is hell,
But life goes on
So . . . sing as well!” Then continue by playing the selected song.

With so many choices available, turning to traditional songs for the funeral may make things less stressful. Traditional songs are timeless classics that have been recorded dozens of times. They are familiar to most and usually rekindle some memory. I have listed a few titles along with the lyricist or songwriter as well as a popular recording artist.

For a list of suggested songs and music go to Chapter 16.

Once you choose a song there are many versions from which to select. For example, the Irish ballad listed above, Danny Boy has been recorded dozens of times – from sung versions and instrumentals to chorales. The version you select is entirely up to you.

Perhaps live jazz or bluegrass was a favorite in which a local band could be obtained. One home funeral I facilitated chose their father’s favorite; Frank Sinatra’s recording of "I Did It My Way" causing the roomful of friends to erupt in affectionate laughter. Gerschwin, Irving Berlin, Richard Rodgers, Hammerstein, Stephen Sondheim and Scott Joplin can all be considered. "Imagine," by John Lennon, is another international favorite.

To be practical in all situations, I use my cell phone or my laptop computer and download my selections in the order they will be played. Then all someone has to do it click the correct song. If you are concerned about volume, you can get a small external speaker to be sure the sound will be sufficiently amplified.

Whatever your choice of music, let the audience know that the selected song is important and explain why. In the end, as long as you choose music that is respectful and honors the person you are memorializing, it’s all good.

Chapter 4 Welcome, Share Information and Announcements

The opening remarks, which include an introduction of yourself and a welcome, set the tone for the service. Do you want a more casual affect or formal service?

I suggest you keep your welcome to a minimum. The welcome can consist of a few simple opening lines to tell them who you are and what your role is. You’ll want to avoid clichés such as “We are gathered here today” or “Dearly beloved”.

Welcome those attending and state why you have gathered. Acknowledging each family member by their name and their relationship to the deceased at the beginning of the ceremony is a good way to directly engage each person. It also helps everyone to recall names and relationships for the visitation afterwards. One way to do this is to use the printed obituary listing of relatives. As you read look directly at each person named and indicate by hand motion who is who. You can also get the family to help you identify individuals. Those who are listed but could not be present can also be mentioned. Here is an example.

“[Name] was the wife/husband/partner of [Name]. Father/Mother of [Name] and [Name]. [Number] Grandchildren [Names]; and [number] great-grandchild/children [Name]. [Name] was the brother/sister of the late [Name]; and life-long friend of [Name].

Immediately following the introduction and welcome, it is my preference to announce any post-service burials or social gatherings and other after-affairs. This announcement could be about a graveside service, meal or wake, home reception or other scenario. By getting any business out of the way at the beginning of the service, you’ll maintain the quiet sacred moment and intimate mood at the end of the service.

Here is a simple introduction you might use or adapt to begin.

“I welcome each of you here today. My name is [Name], and it's a privilege and honor to officiate at the funeral of such a well-liked and respected woman/man.”

Then, continue with your greeting. Here are some useful phrases, short sentences, wording, and a reading to help.

“Welcome to this celebration of [Name’s] life, who [died, passed, entered into rest, went to be with his beloved wife/husband], on [date]. [Name] was a dear friend of mine, and I am very honored to be here today as we remember them and reflect on their life.”

“We’ve come together from far and near, at different points in our lives. We may look at life in different ways and hold a variety of beliefs. But the one thing we have is common is that [Name] at one point or another, touched our life.”

“We’re here this morning to bid a sad but fond farewell to [Name]. We are also here to honor and pay tribute to their life, and to express our sincere admiration for them. So, we set aside this brief hour from our usual daily lives to express our thoughts and feelings at this time of loss.”

“I know that today is a sad day, but I hope at the end of this farewell ceremony for [Name] you will feel glad that you took the opportunity to do some of your grieving with others who have known and loved [Name].”

“Today we have gathered here to pay our last respects and to say our final farewells to [Name]. Sadly I never had the privilege of knowing [Name], but I have had the pleasure of spending time with their family this past week, and our conversations have left me with a very clear impression of the kind of person [Name] was.”

“Today is a day for reflection and it will be remembered for many reasons. Mainly, I hope it will be remembered as a very special day when you shared time with others to pay your last respects as you say a sad and fond farewell to [Name].

You might also begin with a short reading.

“We begin with a reading; Our Lives Matter by M. Maureen Killoran.

We come together from the diversity of our grieving,
to gather in the warmth of this community
giving stubborn witness to our belief that
In times of sadness, there is room for laughter.
In times of darkness, there always will be light.
May we hold fast to the conviction
that what we do with our lives matters
and that a caring world is possible after all.”

The following words could be used when a religious service is not being held.

“I know there may be those among you for whom religious faith is a central part of life, and who are more familiar with a different form of service, but I hope we can agree that the human values we all share; are of far more lasting importance than those matters which may divide us.”

“[Name] had some very specific wishes regarding this gathering time. It was [Name’s] wish that it should be kept simple, dignified and sincere, unmarked by religious ceremony or staid tribute. We strive now to respect these wishes.”

“As we begin let’s spend a few moments in silence to remember [Name] in your own special way. Those of you who do have a particular religious faith might wish to use this time for your own private prayers.”

“You who knew [Name] know that [Name] was not one to make a fuss. So you will not be surprised that it was [Name’s] explicit instructions that we should have a short, simple and sincere service. And, it is my humble privilege to play a small part in helping you honor [Name’s] request.”

Next, here is where you can give any brief announcements, invitations, or directions for after the service. Here are a few examples.

“Following our service, the family invites you to join them in the continuing celebration of [Name’s] life. They invite you to a luncheon at [place] to share stories and remember a life lived to the fullest.”

“In continuing remembrance of [name] refreshments will be served in the Social Hall following the service.”

“Following this service we will be going to the burial site to lay [Name] to rest. Those who wish are welcome to join the family in a final farewell. Those who are not going to the burial are welcome to join the family at [place] afterwards.”

Perhaps you noticed that in each opening phrase I pointedly inserted the person’s name more than once. One of our biggest fears is that the people we love will be forgotten. When no one mentions their name the loneliness we already feel can be magnified. In a way, it calls forth the presence of the loved one who is no longer among them. It comforts the mourners to hear that the person is remembered and will not be forgotten. There is power in saying a name.

Chapter 5 Opening Ritual and Actions

Many who come will have been rushing about in order to get ready, travel to the location, and arrive on time. Take a few moments to make it easier for them to settle and relax; to slow their physical selves along with their racing minds. Along with the grief they carry, people may feel stressed, tired, or frustrated. Taking one to five minutes using an opening ritual will help them feel calmer and more focused. Even a short time of meditation or contemplation may aid those gathered to overcome their stress to find some inner peace and balance.

The following suggestions acknowledge that our outward posture often reflect our inward state. Using one of the following rituals may assist some to consciously slow their thoughts in order to be attentive to the moment.

To put everyone at ease, I often say,

“Before we continue let’s pause for a moment to calm and center ourselves. I invite you to join in as you wish or to use this moment of silence in your own way.”

Then continue with one of the following.

[Name is gone and it is only natural that we are sad because in a practical sense [Name] is no longer a part of our lives. The comfort of having [Name] as a sibling, parent or grandparent may indeed be past, but the love of having had [Name] is never lost. We have the joy of having known [Name]. Before we continue, let’s pause in silence for a few moments and picture [Name] in our minds and remember the special person [Name] was in our lives.”

Thee Deep Breathes

“Let’s begin by slowing ourselves and simply noticing our breath; our inhalations and exhalations. Close your eyes or soften your gaze, whichever works for you. In this slowed-down time let’s simply take three deep breathes.

Breathe in, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Breathe out seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And in again, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Breathe out seven, six, five, four, three, two, one. And one more breathe in silence as you count to yourself. Now gently, slowly, open your eyes to carry this calm awareness with you as we continue.”

A Time of Silence

“As we begin to say goodbye, let’s take a few moments in silence to remember [Name] in your own special way, and if you do have a religious belief, you might wish to use this time for your own private prayer.”

Remember to pause for at least thirty seconds before continuing. I always check the second hand on my watch or cellphone timer to discipline myself. Otherwise, even thirty second can seem long, even though it isn’t.

A Guided Meditation: Palms Up, Palms Down

“As we begin I invite you to set aside anything in your hands and lap. Place both feet flat on the floor. Close your eyes or simply gaze softly downward.

Place your palms facing down on your lap and turn over any concern you have in this moment. Bring to mind your concern. (Pause.)

Now, turn your palms facing up on your lap. Ask for what you need. Is it wisdom, or patience, hope, peace? (Pause.)

Finally, bring your hands together and intertwine your fingers into a prayer position perhaps as you did as a child at your bedside or at the table. In this moment do not relinquish anything or ask anything. Simply be still in your heart.(Pause.)

As you are ready, return your awareness to the room and open your eyes.” (Wait to give time for people to re-acclimate themselves, then continue)

How Good It Is To Center Down

Make sure to read the poem slowly. Pause after each question and slowly count to five.

“In his writing from “Meditations of the Heart”, African-American philosopher Howard Thurman reminds us of the importance of quiet time, self-reflection and meditation. Let’s slow ourselves and reflect on his words.”

How good it is to center down!
To sit quietly and see one’s self pass by!
The streets of our minds seethe with endless traffic;
Our spirits resound with clashings, with noisy silences,
While something deep within hungers

and thirsts for the still moment and the resting lull.

With full intensity we seek,

ere the quiet passes,

a fresh sense of order in our living;
A direction, a strong sure purpose

that will structure our confusion

and bring meaning in our chaos.
We look at ourselves in this waiting moment — the kinds of people we are.

The questions persist:

what are we doing with our lives? —

what are the motives that order our days?
What is the end of our doings?

Where are we trying to go?
Where do we put the emphasis and where are our values focused?
For what end do we make sacrifices?

Where is my treasure and what do I love most in life?
What do I hate most in life and to what am I true?

Over and over the questions beat in upon the waiting moment.

As we listen,

floating up through all the jangling echoes of our turbulence,

there is a sound of another kind —

A deeper not which only the stillness of the heart makes clear.

It moves directly to the core of our being.

Our questions are answered,
With the peace of the eternal in our step.

How good it is to center down!

The above minutes of breath, reflection and meditation are not “wasting time”. Instead, these simple actions lower blood pressure and give a greater sense of well-being. But, even with these proven benefits, it is not the reason for building this into your service. To put it as an Eastern philosopher may say, the goal of meditation is no goal. It’s simply to be present.

Chapter 6 Reflections on the Occasion and Time of Tribute

The time of tribute, sometimes referred to as the eulogy, is most likely prepared remarks that praise, honor, and commemorate the life of the deceased. This short reflection or meditation may be given by your officiant, someone you’ve asked, or you yourself. The choice of the “eulogist” or person who delivers the eulogy is usually a close friend or the immediate family.

In a eulogy, people who knew the deceased from work get an insight into their life as a family person and vice versa. A good eulogy relates stories, touching and humorous, that tell something about the character of the loved one. The best eulogies are those that focus on the speaker’s personal thoughts and memories of the deceased.

If you enlist more than one person, perhaps ask each to speak on a specific time or area of the person’s life to avoid duplication. Distinct times include childhood, young adult, education, parenthood or adulthood, career or post retirement. Specific areas might include speaking of their character, special accomplishments and achievements, or lessons a son or daughter has received from their mom or dad.

This is not the time for preaching or giving a sermon as tempting as that might be. Do not ad lib. These talks are best written. There is nothing wrong with reading your speech. People expect it. When you finish writing practice reading your speech to a friend. This will help you see if it flows well and identify any adjustments that need to be made.

Sometimes family members write a speech and ask me, as the officiant, to read it. Even when not asked, I stay close by in case a speaker is overcome with emotion. I’ve found that a simple hand on the shoulder often allows the speaker to regain composure to continue. It also keeps the audience calm and relaxed knowing that the situation is in hand. The key is that whatever is decided should work towards telling your loved one's life story. Remember, the person was not a saint. So don’t say things that are not so. People attending know.

Here is a bit more helpful guidance as you decide how you want to capture the essence of the person.

Don’t be afraid to talk about the person’s death. Address the particular situation from the anticipated of old age to the tragic of the young. It is not necessary to go into detail, but acknowledge the reality of this particular death.

Begin with a hook, something that embodies their personality or mission in life. It could be a phrase, a motto or an observation. What was their credo? What did the person believe about life and death?

This is a time for their family and friends to hear their words echoing back to them. Perhaps it is a phrase that you hear over and over in your conversations about the deceased. “He loved his family” or “She made the best brownies in the whole world” or “He loved his country” are all examples.

Share more in-depth what was meaningful in their life --grandchildren, pets, football, or cooking. What do they remember most about the individual? What did they do during their free time? Where did they volunteer their time?

Everyone has some humor in their life. The deepest, most moving memories are best wrapped with a glimmer of humor. Find it and use it.

Share a deeply personal word. Share an incident, perhaps a humorous or touching memory, and what you will miss about them. Speak from your heart. But, remember to keep it about them and not you. They are the center of your story.

Do not worry if you miss anything as no one will notice. Just carry on. And if you get overcome with emotion pause, take a deep breath and compose yourself before continuing.

Keep it short. Limit yourself to 7 – 10 minutes maximum. Remember less is more and will have greater impact.

Symbols Representative of the Loved One

I encourage each family to decide upon a tangible earthly object that symbolize and represents their loved one. I then utilize it throughout to give the service cohesion.

This is usually an easy task. For the service for their mother whose name was Rose, each person placed a rose on the casket and took a second one with them. For the father who had worked on the railroad for over twenty-five years train whistles, conductor hats and handkerchiefs were distributed to the children for the singing of I’ve been Working on the Railroad. For the woman who was the “salt of the earth” each attendee received a small jar of pink Himalayan salt to take home. You get the idea.

If you or your loved one is gardener and outdoor enthusiast, honor them with telling the meanings of chosen herbs or trees. Here are some to consider whose meanings that I’ve gathered from here and there. This is by no means a complete list of the symbolic meanings of each herb since the symbolism of herbs is inextricably tied to culture and religion.

HERBS

Aloe: healing, protection, affection grief, bitterness,
Angelica: inspiration, magic
Basil: good wishes
Bay: glory, honor, reward
Chamomile: patience, energy in adversity, long life, wisdom
Chives: usefulness, why do you weep?
Coriander: hidden worth
Cumin: fidelity
Dill: good spirits, preservation
Fennel: strength, worthy of praise, flatteryGarlic: protection, strength, healing

Lavender: calm and serenity
Lemon balm: sympathy
Marjoram: joy and happiness

Mint: eternal refreshment, wisdom, virtue

Mustard: faith, indifference
Oregano: substance

Parsley: useful knowledge, feast, joy, victory

Rosemary; love, loyalty
Sage: wisdom, immortality, esteem
Tarragon: lasting interest

Thyme: strength, courage, energy

TREES

If the burial is in the woods or the person was a hunter or hiker, many trees hold symbolic meanings. You may wish to explore this option.

FLOWERS

The Old Farmer’s Alanac has a full listing of what they call “Flower Meanings: The Language of Flowers.” You can see them at almanac.com. Here are a few examples:

Baby’s breath - Everlasting love

Carnation - White: Sweet and Lovely; Pink: I will never forget you; Red: My heart breaks

Chrysanthemum - Truth

Gerber daisy - Cheerfulness

Queen Anne’s Lace - Fantasy

Rose - Pink : Grace; Red: Love

Rosemary - Remembrance

Chapter 7 Autobiography, Eulogies and Life Story

Simple or elaborate, there are a variety of ways to remember and honor your loved one in a personal and meaningful way. As time goes on, we may fear that our memories of them will fade away. This is when photos and videos become even more precious, offering a lasting connection to that special person. How do you wish to remember your loved one? Or, if you are planning your own remembrance service, how do you wish to be remembered?

Pictures or a video give the opportunity to reflect on a unique individual and remember the difference they made in your life. Either can be a moving way to pay tribute to your loved one.

The stories of family vacations, holidays celebrated, and favorite pastimes help us remember the person as we begin to wrestle with our grief and the realization that they’re no longer with us.

This can also be a community-building exercise. Inviting family and friends to submit photos and video clips of the person brings people together, uniting everyone in the task.

A Video

Whether it’s a retrospective video, highlighting the milestones in the person’s life, or simply a collection of favorite moments, there’s truly no right or wrong way to make this type of video.

The video can consist of 35 to 50 pictures matched with the length of the chosen song, usually about three to five minutes.
Decide on a theme, select background music, and gather together photos.
You can do it yourself or there are some super quick services advertised on the web.
The video can also be played during the gathering and family visitation or as part of the service or after-reception.
Make copies to share with family and friends.

A Storyboard

If the creation of a video is too much for you to deal with, consider making a picture storyboard or story-clothesline. All you need are individual photos.

Contributors can give them to you beforehand or bring them to the service or celebration and place them on the prepared storyboard or clothes line. This enables everyone to actively participate and be a part of creating the event.
A storyboard is a mounted piece of cardboard with tape or plastic tac at hand for the photos to be placed.
Another idea is to hang a rope clothesline and allow people to use the provided clothespins to hang their photos.

Life story can also be made personal by reading some writings of the decease’s including their blog or Facebook entries. If they had a podcast, why not play a 3-minute portion where their personality shines through? A poem from their own hand is perfect.

Remembrances from Family and Friends

Once the more formal speech or eulogy, and perhaps a video is shown, I like to open the floor for others to share. With the family’s permission, I include what I call “structured spontaneity”. By “spontaneity” I do not mean a free-for-all. Instead, it is a structured planned time within the service. The facilitator or officiant remains in control as individuals share memories and thoughts in a befitting way.

Poignant and funny stories are shared. People reminisce and storytelling becomes paramount. If you have invited attendees to bring photos or an object for the Memory Table, this is a time for them to relay the story that goes with the item.

If the gathering is informal, with mingling and conversation, the family can gather the attention of the attendees and invite tributes from those who wish to speak. I find, whatever the setting, the less formal the introduction to this time, the more people will openly share from the heart. And, if they are given a heads up and a helpful prompt, more will be eager to participate.

One way of not springing it on them is to announce at the beginning of the service that there will be an opportunity to share later in the service. At my uncle’s funeral I passed a basket of 1 x 2 inch wooden blocks and felt markers and invited each person to write a word that described him or their relationship to him. The blocks were inscribed with the words “love,” “fun,” “super dad,” and “party down”. When the designated time came, I invited them to hold the block in their hand and to share the word and perhaps a bit about what it meant to them. Some simply read what they had written. Others shared endearing stories and funny incidents.

After sharing, or not, they were invited to place the block in the toolbox that Uncle Ken, as an avid woodworker, had built. His children and grandchildren cherish the filled toolbox.

In the time of remembrance you and those gathered will recall special qualities about the deceased. Hopefully they will enhance the existing emotional and spiritual connections between the person who died and the living, thereby focusing and increasing a listener's appreciation of the life lost.

Sharing Poems and Readings

Sometimes volunteer participants will want to share a poem or other reading as a tribute. This too is appropriate and welcomed. Otherwise, or as an additional piece, you can insert a poem, prayer or reading into the service. The chapter on readings and poems contains a number of selections to enhance this time.

Recalling Memories

Another way to aid people to share is to ask them to close their eyes and recall their memories. Here is a script you can adapt for use.

“I invite you to take a moment right now, close your eyes, and picture [Name]. (Pause.)

Think about them and the relationship you had with them. (Pause.)

Where did you first meet [Name]? (Pause.)

What is one of your earliest or most special memories? (Pause.)

What things did you do together? (Pause.)

Can you remember any particularly humorous or touching memories you might like to share? (Pause.)

What will you miss about [Name] the most? (Pause.)

When you are ready simply open your eyes and return to the room.(Pause until everyone seem ready to resume.)

Is there anyone who would like to share their thoughts?” (Pause and wait.)

Don’t be afraid of silences if there are gaps between your invitation and those speaking or between speakers. Just give a prompt, then if needed, repeat the prompt, and wait. Think of the quiet as a normal and important part of the flow of the service. Even if no one speaks, it is an important time of reflection. Be content, relaxed and at ease in the silence and others will find comfort too. Temporary silence is a normal part of the rhythm of the service. Help those attending to see it as an opportunity to reflect, gather their thoughts, and prepare for what is coming. Some may choke and draw a blank during what is for them an unfamiliar social situation. They may have many thoughts, but become stuck in their heads. Others are too busy coming up with something “interesting” to say rather than being present in the moment.

In these cases you could add the following phrase of encouragement.

“Don’t try to conjure up the perfect words. Simply allow the words to find you.”

So, give the group the time they need. If you come off fidgety and stare like a deer in headlights, they may feel these nervous emotions themselves. Take a breath, let your shoulders drop (instead of tensing up), and smile confidently. If you look calm and collected, they too will feel at ease.

Remember these pointers and you can eliminate your fear of silent moments and embrace them to your advantage. They can be a great tool to open up conversation and connect even deeper with those gathered. Remember that silence really is golden.

Write Your Own Story

If you are looking to write your own life story, now is the time to do it. The conversations we have with our family and close friends are usually geared towards what is happening that week, how we’re doing and how they’re doing. Rarely do we get into deep conversations about our lives, experiences or perspectives. As the weeks, months and years go flying by, we miss opportunities to talk about real things -- important things -- with those closest to us. There are things that only we can answer or explain. Sadly, if we don’t share them now, many of those answers, explanations and stories may be missed.

Popularity is growing for elder individuals, grandmothers and grandfather to write their memoir to pass onto later generations. There are a number of resources, both online and in print, to guide you. These do-it-yourself books help the reader record and preserve the memories of their lifetime. Many cover one’s birth to the present, with emphasis most often on positive remembrances.

Since your purpose in writing is to record your memories, and not necessarily to give an accurate historically account, I prefer to call it a memoir instead of a biography. A lot of our memories are just that, our memories. The phrases or questions will prompt you to write about pivotal experiences in your life, important people in your transformation, what you’ve learned, and principles you live by.

Here are some sample phrases to get you started. These are lifted from my book, This Is My Life: a memoir in your own words. I am happy to send this book via WORD document to anyone who requests it. The text is laid out into early, middle and later years and holds over fifty prompts to guide you through such subjects as family and faith, learnings and education, work and responsibilities, and the world around you. Here is a sample from the book:

This is how I remember my mother and father…

When I was a child, during summer vacations, I would…

My best childhood friends were…

My biggest adventure in life was when…

The most meaningful things I have accomplished in my life are…

If I had to pick three of my all-time favorite songs, they would be…

My favorite holiday is…

The funniest family story I remember is…

A most sad or difficult time in my life was…

Three words that describe me are…

My best piece of advice to the next generation is…

When writing, the more honest and revelatory the better. Yet, secrets are usually secrets for a reason. This memoir does not have to be a tell-all book. Share in writing at your own comfort level, knowing others may read what you pen. To choose to share your writings you may wish to change names, places and dates to keep identities to yourself, but still record something difficult that happened to you. Telling your story is important, but you don’t want to throw anyone under the bus. The aim of choosing to share is to lead to a better overall relationship. My overall rule is, “Be kind”.

Perhaps you’ll write about things others would not have known. Your closest friends may know brush strokes about your past, but may not know specifics about some of your most defining moments. Your pages will help you better understand what makes you tick, and might help you understand a little more why you are the way you are. From writing about your childhood experiences to finding out why you wanted to be a parent, to figuring out how you developed your attitudes about love, money or work, answering some key questions can really help start some amazing insights for yourself and conversations with others. You may find yourself with newfound awareness, realizing that these are stories you might have shared long ago. Sharing your memoir can evolve into a deeper discussion, such as your biggest regret or life lesson.

So why waste time? Why not write down, record on your smart phone, or dictate to someone taking notes, memories that explain events that shaped you, decisions you made and important lessons you learned? Do it now. Record your thoughts, and perhaps share your memoir with others. What a wonderful gift of yourself to yourself and those you love.

Chapter 8 Poems

Once you’ve chosen your poem, prayer or reading, be sure to read through it silently several times to familiarize yourself with its core ideas and images. The more you understand the poem, and grasp its meaning, the more likely others will too. Allow yourself to see the images created by the words in your imagination and feel the emotions. The more strongly you identify with the poem the easier it will be for others to follow.

Next, read the poem aloud. Read slowly. Allow each word its space. Resist the temptation to rush. Pay attention to the punctuation, listening for its musicality or beat. What words can be stressed more than others? Use your pencil or highlighter to mark pauses or stress points. Once you feel more confident experiment with your delivery.

Next, rehearse in front of or a friend and ask for feedback. Could they hear and understand your words? Did they catch the images and feelings of the poem? Did you read too fast or too slow? Once you incorporate their feedback you are ready.

Here are a few more tips as you prepare.

Use your natural voice. A 'dramatic' or assumed voice will seem artificial.
Remember to breathe between phrases, at the end of a line, or comma or period. You don’t want to hyperventilate.
At such an emotional occasion it is good to print it out at a 14 point font or larger for easy reading.
Finally relax and know that whatever happens happens. You’re fine.

Of course, you’ll want to introduce your chosen poem, prayer or reading. Here are three introductory examples you can adapt to your own style of speaking. The first is for when the speaker is reading another person’s written text.

“[Name] has asked me to read this. I know [family member or friend] would really have liked to read it themself but is understandably, unable.”

Here is a second more generic introduction.

“I would like to read a [poem, scripture, sacred text, reading] of hope and comfort written by [Name].”

Poems

The following poems all deal with thoughts and emotions associated with the fundamental questions around life and death, dying, grief, and loss.

A poem for a musician

FUNERALISSIMO

The musical notes stood in lines

Discordant in their grief

Before regaining their composure

As black tears in embossed relief

The instruments played this salutation

To a musician of note and much more

At the end, everyone stamped their feet

Encore, Encore, Encore

—by Michael Ashby

'Tis a Fearful Thing --by Yehuda Halevi

‘Tis a fearful thing
     to love what death can touch.
A fearful thing
     to love, to hope, to dream, to be –
     to be,
    And oh, to lose.
A thing for fools, this,
     And a holy thing,
     a holy thing
     to love.
For your life has lived in me,
      your laugh once lifted me,
     your word was gift to me.
     To remember this brings painful joy.
‘Tis a human thing, love,
     a holy thing, to love
     what death has touched.

Death Is Nothing at All by Canon Henry Scott-Holland

Death is nothing at all…

I have only slipped away into the next room
I am I and you are you
Whatever we were to each other
That we are still
Call me by my old familiar name
Speak to me in the easy way you always used
Put no difference into your tone
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow

Laugh as we always laughed
At the little jokes we always enjoyed together
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was
Let it be spoken without effort
Without the ghost of a shadow in it

Life means all that it ever meant
It is the same as it ever was
There is absolute unbroken continuity
What is death but a negligible accident?

Why should I be out of mind
Because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you for an interval
Somewhere very near
Just around the corner

All is well.
Nothing is past; nothing is lost
One brief moment and all will be as it was before
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep by Mary Frye

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there.

I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.

I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain.

I am the gentle autumn’s rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush,

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft stars that shine at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry;

I am not there.

I did not die.

Continuance by Samuel Butler

I fall asleep in the full and certain hope
That my slumber shall not be broken;
And that, though I be all-forgetting,
Yet shall I not be all-forgotten,
But continue that life in the thoughts and deeds
Of those I have loved.

Our Memories Build a Special Bridge by Emily Mathews

Our memories build a special bridge

When loved ones have to part

To help us feel we’re with them still

And soothe a grieving heart

They span the years and warm our lives

Preserving ties that bind

Our memories build a special bridge

And bring us peace of mind.

You’ve Just Walked On, author unknown

You’ve just walked on ahead of me

And I’ve got to understand

You must release the ones you love

And let go of their hand.

I try and cope the best I can

But I’m missing you so much

If I could only see you

And once more feel your touch.

Yes, you’ve just walked on ahead of me

Don’t worry I’ll be fine

But now and then I swear I feel

Your hand slip into mine.

Intimations of Immortality by William Wordsworth

What though the radiance which was once so bright

Be now forever taken from my sight,

Though nothing can bring back the hour

Of splendor in the grass, of glory in the flower;

We will grieve not, rather find

Strength in what remains behind.

The Last Leaf by Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

I saw him once before,

As he passed by the door,

And again

The pavement stones resound,

As he totters o’er the ground

With his cane.

They say that in his prime,

Ere the pruning-knife of Time

Cut him down,

Not a better man was found

By the Crier on his round

Through the town.

But now he walks the streets,

And looks at all he meets

Sad and wan,

And he shakes his feeble head,

That it seems as if he said,

“They are gone.”

The mossy marbles rest

On the lips that he has prest

In their bloom,

And the names he loved to hear

Have been carved for many a year

On the tomb.

My grandmamma has said—

Poor old lady, she is dead

Long ago—

That he had a Roman nose,

And his cheek was like a rose

In the snow;

But now his nose is thin,

And it rests upon his chin

Like a staff,

And a crook is in his back,

And a melancholy crack

In his laugh.

I know it is a sin

For me to sit and grin

At him here;

But the old three-cornered hat,

And the breeches, and all that,

Are so queer!

And if I should live to be

The last leaf upon the tree

In the spring,

Let them smile, as I do now,

At the old forsaken bough

Where I cling.

Crossing the Bar by Alfred Lord Tennyson --1809-1892

Sunset and evening star,
And one clear call for me!
And may there be no moaning of the bar,
When I put out to sea,

But such a tide as moving seems asleep,
Too full for sound and foam,
When that which drew from out the boundless deep
Turns again home.

Twilight and evening bell,
And after that the dark!
And may there be no sadness of farewell,
When I embark;

For tho’ from out our bourne of Time and Place
The flood may bear me far,
I hope to see my Pilot face to face
When I have cross’d the bar.

Chapter 9 Prayers and Intentions

When our unhappiness and confusion grow out of control, some of us turn to the ancient practice of prayer. I find that in times of extreme trial, such as at the death of a loved one, people pray. This includes both religious and nonreligious individuals. People instinctively want to believe there is a power that is greater than their own. They yearn to connect their everyday lives with a purpose and will greater than themselves. Something Greater who exists beyond their own limited lives, so they reach for prayer. So it is only reasonable that prayers are often incorporated into funerals and memorial services. Some traditions and families rely on extemporaneous prayer; prayer that is not written before delivered orally. Here I supply you with composed traditional prayers that have stood the test of time.

If your gathering is one who may not wish to use the practice of prayer, redefine the moment. Invite them to “set and intention”. An intention is a clear and positive statement of an outcome you want to experience. An intention is a wish or vision that guides our thoughts, attitudes, and choices. Intentions are in alignment with one’s deepest desires and align with the greatest good for all concerned. Hence, each person’s intention at this particular moment will frame how they will receive healing and relate to others after the service has ended.

Stating an intention is particularly important when the stress of the occasion causes family members to act toward and unintentionally speak to others in hurtful ways, The beauty of inviting those gathered to set an intention is that it will hale each individuals to focus their mind and heart to a particular personal virtue or quality for the day.

Some examples of qualities and virtues include patience, gratitude, grace, forgiveness, letting go, releasing negativity, being open to receive, inner strength and peace. Here is a example of how to introduce intentions:

“Let us each set an intention that comes from our better-self today. Let me share a few that come to mind, one that you might wish to adopt.”

I intend to listen to others today secure and confident in who I am.

I intend to see beauty in each person here and be open to listen to thier concerns.

I intend to feel totally safe and secure.

I intend to feel that I’m where I need to be right now, in this moment with these people.

Intention: May this traditional prayer, known as “The Lord’s Prayer” by some and “The Our Father” by others, open us to receive what we need in this moment, forgive any who have injured us, and live our lies for the greater good of all.

The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. Forever and ever. Amen

Alternative

Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as in heaven Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For the kingdom, the power and the glory are yours. Now and forever. Amen

Serenity Prayer

Intention: May we in this moment find the comfort and serenity we seek. May you realize the acceptance of the unacceptable and wisdom that leads to inner peace as we share these verses toward serenity.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time; Enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace.

The Serenity Prayer. --adapted from American theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, 1932

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,

Courage to change the things I can,

and Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time,

Enjoying one moment at a time,

Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,

Taking this world as it is,

Not as I would have it,

Trusting that you will make all things right,

If I surrender to your will. Amen.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi

Intention: We are not so different from Saint Francis of the fifteenth century when he sought to be an instrument of peace, love, pardon, home, light and joy. May you find consolation, understanding love and forgiveness from each other this day and always.

Lord, make me an instrument of Thy peace; Where there is hatred, let me sow love; Where there is injury, pardon; Where there is doubt, faith; Where there is despair, hope; Where there is darkness, light; and Where there is sadness, joy. O, Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; To be understood as to understand; To be loved as to love; For it is in giving that we receive; It is in pardoning that we are pardoned; And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Peace, adapted from the Prayer of St Francis of Assis

Make me a channel of thy peace –

That where there is hatred, I may bring love;

That where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness;

That where there is discord, I may bring harmony;

That where there is error, I may bring truth;

That where there is doubt, I may bring faith;

That where there is despair, I may bring hope;

That where there are shadows, I may bring light;

That where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted;

To understand, than be understood;

To love, than be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.

It is by dying that one awakens to find -- Eternal Life.

We Give Thanks

Intention: May this be a time of gratitude for the strength, courage and confidence that is ours.

We give thanks for [Name],
the years we shared with [Name],
the good we saw in [Name],
the love we received from [Name].

Now give us strength and courage

to leave confident in your promise

That love is eternal. Amen.

Chapter 10 Readings

Remember by Christina Rossetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go yet turning stay.

Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.

Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Our Lives Matter by M. Maureen Killoran

We come together from the diversity of our grieving,
to gather in the warmth of this community
giving stubborn witness to our belief that
in times of sadness, there is room for laughter.
In times of darkness, there always will be light.
May we hold fast to the conviction
that what we do with our lives matters
and that a caring world is possible after all.

A Season, an ancient sacred text

To everything there is a season,

and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to get, and a time to lose;

a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;

a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;

a time of war, and a time of peace.

To everything there is a season,

and a time to every purpose under the heaven.

Blessed, an ancient sacred text

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are they that mourn:

for they shall be comforted.

Blessed are the meek:

for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they which hunger and thirst after righteousness:

for they shall be filled.
Blessed are the merciful:

for they shall obtain mercy.

Meditation The Cord, author unknown

We are connected, my child and I,

by an invisible cord not seen by the eye

It's not like the cord that connects us 'til birth,

This cord can't be seen by any on earth

This cord does its work right from the start

It binds us together, attached to my heart

I know that it's there, though no one can see

The invisible cord from my child to me

The strength of this cord is hard to describe

It can't be destroyed, it can't be denied

It's stronger than any cord man could create

it withstands the test, can hold any weight

And though you are gone, and not here with me

The cord is still there, but no one can see

It pulls at my heart, I am bruised, I am sore

But this cord is my lifeline as never before

I am thankful that God connects us this way

A mother and child, death can't take it.

Remember Me, author unknown

To the living, I am gone.
To the sorrowful, I will never return.
To the angry, I was cheated.
But to the happy, I am at peace,
And to the faithful, I have never left.

I cannot be seen, but I can be heard.
So as you stand upon a shore, gazing at a beautiful sea — remember me.
As you look in awe at a mighty forest and its grand majesty — remember me.
As you look upon a flower and admire its simplicity — remember me.
Remember me in your heart, your thoughts, your memories of

the times we loved, the times we cried, the times we fought, the times we laughed.
For if you always think of me,

I will never be gone.

Chapter 11 Interactive Engagements

You can easily invite the attendees to join you in the following interactive litanies. I used the following one at an outdoor burial service. It was printed in the program handout so participants could join in the response: *We ask to be healed in our grief-- and be blessed. I also used it with a Scout troop as part of a dedication of a new hiking trail in remembrance to one of their members. make sure you have the compass app on your phone so you know which direction to face.

Litany of Six Directions Inspired by a traditional Native American blessing.

We turn to the light in the East, seeking a spirit of mystery.

May our eyes open to the sacredness of every living thing.